


I’m sorry

by ohmythief



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series)
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, M/M, POV First Person, Pokemon Death, Read notes for context i guess, Self-Indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:48:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26095147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmythief/pseuds/ohmythief
Summary: My guinea pig died. It was two months ago, and it wasn’t easy because it suffered a lot. So I had to write something.Sorry for the sadness, but this is self projecting basically. The parallel about the PokeCenter is that I tried calling the Vet urgently but they told me they couldn’t do anything because a few raindrops were falling so they had to close earlier, while I had my small guinea pig suffering in my hands and I was crying on my side of the phone.I’m really sorry but it was tough then, and it’s tough now.So I thought, why not.
Relationships: Ookido Green | Blue Oak/Red
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	I’m sorry

My raticate died. It wasn’t today. It wasn’t yesterday. It was two years ago.

I remember it every day. But today was special.

Because I used to love rainy days. They remind me of lazy mornings, the pleasing smell of grass and humidity that clashed nicely. They remind me of slow afternoons with Daisy’s tea and stolen crackers from one of the shelves. She used to hide them in the highest one but I always managed to climb my way up. She knew, she always noticed right away but she always pretended not to. 

They also remind me of Red sometimes. Because even when the sky was threatening to fall and crash our roof tiles, a soft knock startled us every single time. And standing there with his nose under his hoodie and a dampened cap was Red. My friend, whom Daisy quickly wrapped with towels and more towels right before calling his mom and telling her that his stray child was here. Y _ es, again.  _

I would grab his hand and drag him inside my room. Then the rest of the day would always be blurred in my memory, because we played and played and played. Time happened so fast, I forgot what we were up to. I just remember that it was fun.

Those times.

But the day it happened…

Not so much.

It was a lousy morning. 

I remember being upset because all I wanted was to win. And win. And win. To who?

_ To Red of course. _

Should I rest?  _ No. _

_ I still need to train more. To be stronger, to be better. To be the best. _

I wanted to win so badly. 

_ I could feel the rain drenching my sweater and making it cling to my skin. But it didn’t matter even if my throat hurt from shouting command after command. I kept going and so did my pokemon. _

_ It was a rainy morning after that. I felt lazy, so I grabbed my team and let them rest around in the small room of the Inn. They warily watched me, expecting to start yelling about training and beating the league (before Red). But I didn’t, just not yet.  _

_ I missed my home, my bedroom and Daisy’s tea getting cold on the nightstand. I shuffled myself even deeper beneath the blanket and sighed.  _

_ A small paw gingerly touched my back, bringing my attention to oversized mouse pokemon. His big teeth nibbled on the blanket with eyes big a pleading. I shuffled away and let him in combing his fuzzy hair out of my face. _

_ We slept for a few hours. _

_ It was comfortable, it was warm. The rest of my pokemon joined us, piling around the bed and hearing the sound of raindrops hitting the window and racing down. _

_ I fell asleep, hugging my pokemon tight. I felt safe, and for once in a long time… I rested. _

_ I happened to love rain that day, except that there wasn’t much to remember because we slept all throughout of it. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ The next morning it was my growling stomach that woke us up. _

_ I made my way out of the bed and watched each and every of my team members still asleep. A few of their injuries from all the training still haven’t healed up completely, due my stubbornness of relying so much on potions instead of making my way uphill and meeting nurse Joy’s judging stare.  _

_ There was nothing wrong with it. Or so I thought. _

_ I stared for a few seconds at them, their breathing evenly and comfortable silence hanging around the room. It was peaceful, and it wasn’t raining… But the sky was gray and as I walked to the berry tree I felt a few raindrops hitting my skin. There were to scarce and so tiny, I almost convinced myself that I was imagining it.  _

_ So I ran to the Berry tree… I found different types, hand-picked a few favorites for my team. I recognized them, because I knew them by heart. _

_ And I ran back, a wild yawn threatening to spill from my lips.  _

_ And I let myself in, it was no big deal… Letting the berries on the ground and sitting beside them ready to meet my team at the spot. I was sure they were going to run straight to them, because some of these berries were their favorites. _

_ But a few seconds went by- And even a single second was too long, because  _ these were their favorite berries.

_ Nobody ran to them.  _

_ I immediately knew something was wrong.  _

_ So I saw them… A few feet ahead, they were awake. They were together… A circle with something- No, someone in the middle. _

_ And I ran towards them… My body shivering and feeling cold. I couldn’t even hear he first drops hitting the ground when it obviously started raining. _

I had them with me, a few minutes ago. They were with me, so why.

Why.

What happened?

It’s my fault.

It’s obviously my fault. 

I did something wrong.

I did many things wrong, I-

_ This is a nightmare. _

_ This is not happening…  _

_ No way. _

_ Hit yourself, slap yourself. Nobody is hearing you scream, nobody is around. _

_ Or maybe they are? Maybe someone is asking frantically behind me, but I can’t hear them. _

_ Because I laugh, I try not to laugh when I’m crying. _

_ I’m asking for help. _

_ I’m screaming for help. _

_ I can’t move. _

_ It’s my fault. _

_ I tried to touch him… To ease his pain, move him so he could lie more comfortably buy, he cries. He whines, because it hurts so much. He’s so tense, he can’t move because every moment he tries and tries and tries… And he tries to stand up… But he can’t, because it hurts him. I touch him and he cries… When he can’t even manage that, every ligament in his body is still as rock. Raticate is in shock, is in pain. It’s my fault. _

_ I try to move him, but I seem to hurt him even more. I don’t know what to do… Someone says something about the Pokemon Center and I only recall it because it’s explained to me so many times, nurse Joy crying hours later while I’m in shock. _

I didn’t understand then. I was so mad. The rain was so worse than I thought, I just woke up at the wrong time. 

I should have been up earlier. I should have…

There are so many things I could have done, I should have done.

_ It’s my fault. _

It’s not the nurse’s fault. She couldn’t get there in time, the weather was not on my- On Raticate’s side. My pokemon.

It’s mine, not hers.

_ He bares his teeth. _

He does that, I remember it clearly at least.

I remember screaming to her  _ “What should I have done? Tell him to convulse earlier? To wait two hours with chronic pain? Sorry, try again later?” _

_ No, no… No. _

_ No way. _

_ This is not happening, this can’t be. _

_ He bares his teeth and cries a last time. _

I close my eyes and feel tears already falling down once again, my chest tight and in pain while I remember.

_ He cries a last time. _

I feel someone grabbing my arm.

_ He manages to at least close his eyes. _

I manage to open them, slowly and completely afraid. I bite my tongue and try not to cry as I see Red’s concerned face hovering above me.

_ To never open them again. _

Red kisses my chin, my cheeks and forgets the taste of salt from my tears. He doesn’t care.

_ He’s gone. _

It’s my fault.

I never told anyone. Nobody needed to know.

I didn’t want them asking about it.

Because his death is on me.

I should have noticed. I should have known something was wrong.

I still don’t understand what happened.

I still don’t want them asking.

Because I wouldn’t know what to tell.

I have an idea. I do.

I know it’s my fault, either way.

  
  


I’m so sorry.

  
  


I wanted more time with you.

  
  


I really did.

  
  


I’m sorry.

“I’m sorry Red”, I sniff loudly and he still hasn’t let go of my arm yet “It’s another nightmare, don’t worry about it. I’m awake and alright no” he doesn’t seem convinced in the slightest.

But he doesn’t ask.

I told you once, you didn’t ask but I knew you noticed.

So I told you, and as usual you didn’t say a word.

I’m still grateful for that, because not with your hands, not even in your silent way of speaking with your eyes… You still didn’t ask.

And I know you wanted to know.

But you understood better.

My eyes fluttered closed and I could hear feel my muscles and jaw relaxing, I concentrated in Red’s breathing and the sound of harmless raindrops hitting the window.

I still don’t like rainy mornings.

“Thank you, Red”

He nods, his forehead pressed against my arm.

I sigh and play with his disheveled hair. I must have woken him up, and I want to say that I’m sorry and that he should go back to sleep. Yesterday was tough, even for him. The battle tree is no joke. But even if I tell him that, he won’t. He knows, I know he does.

He thinks it’s not my fault, and even if I managed to get to the Pokemon Center the second after… The ride might have hurt him more, and the brain damage from his stroke was too much. I wouldn’t have made it in time. And I think they are right, but their words fall empty in my ears.

Because I know the grief I will always carry is because…

Is because the damage should have been taken care of before the nightmare happened. So it’s my fault, I should have taken him earlier to the Pokemon Center. Days before that… Then maybe they would have noticed sooner.

Then maybe they could have done something.

Then maybe I wouldn’t have to close my eyes to see you.

I’m sorry Raticate.

I remember you snuggled closer to me a few minutes earlier and everything felt right, everything was on place and I felt so at ease. I felt happy, safe.

In a matter of minutes…

I only left to get some food for us.

It was only minutes.

I’m so sorry, I wasn’t there the exact moment it started to hurt so much you couldn’t move. I was only there to watch you hurt instead.

Forgive me.

I haven’t forgiven myself.

I know everyone else has already.

I don’t think I could ever forgive myself.

I tried not to think too much about it because I felt hollow and aching everywhere.

But even my pokemon forgave me. And I want you to know that I changed.

I’m better now.

I’m sorry it had come to that, though.

But I’m better now, I promise.

Red looks at me, and he seems to be in pain. I notice my eyebrows are knit together and my head is throbbing. I try to smile, the rain reaching my ears and I know this will be a tough morning. 

There is nothing wrong with grief, and it doesn’t hurt as much anymore. But every time I remember you, something stirs in me and pulls hard my strings. 

I have to live with this stain now, and I accept it. It’s my regret.

“Hey Red” I brush my knuckles along the crease between his eyebrows and whisper his name once again “Red, do you want some tea?”

**Author's Note:**

> My guinea pig died. It was two months ago, and it wasn’t easy because it suffered a lot. So I had to write something. 
> 
> Sorry for the sadness, but this is self projecting basically. The parallel about the PokeCenter is that I tried calling the Vet urgently but they told me they couldn’t do anything because a few raindrops were falling so they had to close earlier, while I had my small guinea pig suffering in my hands and I was crying on my side of the phone.
> 
> I’m really sorry but it was tough then, and it’s tough now.
> 
> So I thought, why not.


End file.
